Christians often focus so much on being loving and giving that they forget their own limits and limitations. Have you ever found yourself wondering: Can I set limits and still be a loving person? How do I answer someone who wants my time, love, energy, or money? Why do I feel guilty when I consider setting boundaries?

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Bible Gateway interviewed Dr. John Townsend (@drjohntownsend), who, along with Dr. Henry Cloud (@DrHenryCloud), wrote the bestselling book, Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life (Zondervan, updated 2017), winner of the Christian Book Award®.

[Browse all the book in the Boundaries series in the Bible Gateway Store]

Why is Boundaries so popular, selling more than 2 million copies since it was first published in 1992?

Dr. John Townsend: First off, I think it’s because we all need help in establishing control over our choices, time, energy, and resources. We often find ourselves not saying “no” when we need to, and also not confronting well, when it’s necessary. That leads to all sorts of problems in relationships, careers, and one’s personal energy and health.

Secondly, people want to know what the Bible says about these matters, and how God provides a path for growth. For example, Proverbs 4:23 says “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” Guarding your heart—your inner self—is a priority, because our very life choices and path flow from that. If we don’t guard ourselves with healthy boundaries, we don’t relate and function as God intended.

Thirdly, while I’m happy that Boundaries and all of the Boundaries books (@BoundariesBooks) have been helpful, the need is still ongoing! People tell me they read and reread Boundaries as they grow and change, because new issues arise all the time. Plus, so many times when I’m signing books at a conference, people will come up and say, “My parents used the book to help raise me, and now I’m learning the principles for my own family and career.” So apparently there’s an “evergreen” aspect to the books.

Why was it necessary to update Boundaries?

Dr. John Townsend: We needed to reword some descriptive language aspects that have changed on a cultural level, while keeping the principles and skills universal. Gender roles needed to be updated in the stories, for example, to reflect the reality that many engaged moms also have careers, instead of being at-home full-time with the kids. And we saw a need to include principles and skills that relate to the tech and digital world we live in, which is a current and important reality.

What does it mean to live a boundaryless life?

Dr. John Townsend: I don’t recommend it for anyone! When we don’t live lives that include the fruit of self-control (Gal. 5:22-23), we live lives that are literally out of control. We find our time and energy become owned by the requests and concerns of other people. So the results are that we don’t accomplish whatever God designed us to accomplish, we experience guilt and exhaustion, we feel at the mercy of anyone who asks us for something, and we end up enabling others, which never helped anyone.

Explain a few of the “10 Laws of Boundaries.”

Dr. John Townsend:

• The Law of Sowing and Reaping has to do with the principle that in life we should generally reap the consequences of our actions. There’s cause and effect in the world: “Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. Whoever sows to please their flesh, from the flesh will reap destruction; whoever sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life (Gal. 6:7-8). So if a person sows love and responsibility, they should reap some measure of healthy relationships and a meaningful work life. If an individual sows self-centeredness and irresponsibility, their reaping should be difficulties in relationships and jobs, which hopefully will motivate them to change their attitudes and behaviors toward love and responsibility. However, a person without clear boundaries will often tend to protect someone who’s not loving or responsible from the painful consequences of their behavior. This is called codependency, and it serves to perpetuate irresponsibility in the other person. So we’re to love others deeply, but never enable them.
• The Law of Responsibility states that we need to be clear about what we’re responsible for, and what we’re not. We’re responsible, for example, to love others, as Jesus said: “Love each other as I have loved you (John 15:12).” But we can’t be others. So, while we’re to own our lives and our growth, we can’t grow for another person, or force them to grow, either. So often, we assume total responsibility for someone else’s life, hoping they’ll change, and it just doesn’t happen. For example, if you take responsibility for a rageaholic’s anger, and think it’s your job to calm them down and walk on eggshells around them, the outcome is that he’ll simply repeat the behavior: “A hot-tempered person must pay the penalty; rescue them, and you will have to do it again (Prov. 19:19).”
• The Law of Respect says that if we want others to respect our boundaries, we must also respect theirs. When we want to be free to make choices without getting negative attitudes or control from others, we need to give them the same freedom, because that’s how we want to be treated: “So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you (Matt. 7:12).” When others make a choice that we don’t prefer or agree with, we may need to protect ourselves from any negative consequences, but at the same time we’re to embrace their freedom to make their own choices.

What are some of the boundaries you see as necessary in our digital age?

Dr. John Townsend: Before the digital age, there were natural structures in place which guided our lives and how we spent our time. They’re called day and night. You went to work in the daytime, then traveled home and engaged in the evening in your personal life: family, friends, recreation, service, hobbies, and worship. Work didn’t bleed over into our personal lives. Now that’s all gone, because just about anyone can access you at almost any time, 24/7: phone, email, text, and Facebook, for example. Paying attention to all of these digital touches can rob your life of what you need to be a healthy and balanced person. So we need to establish boundaries called ground rules for our own, and our family’s, access to the digital world, to be able to do life the right way. This might mean pixel-free times at home, in which everyone hangs out, talks to one another, reads, plays board games, or goes to help people in some sort of service fashion.

Another boundary has to do with what the neuroscience research is telling us about the effects of lots of digital time. It isn’t good for our brains. We need to relate personally, face-to-face with each other, get outside, work out, and connect with the “other reality” which is different from the “virtual reality.” So being in charge of how much exposure you have there is important.

Meal times especially should be a digit-free zone. So much of family’s impact on children has to do with the shared love, support, values, stories, and wisdom that happens at the table. When people are on their phones at dinner, they’re not experiencing the “life of God (Eph. 4:18)” which is found only in relationship with him and others.

[Browse all the book in the Boundaries series in the Bible Gateway Store]

What do you mean by having boundaries with God?

Dr. John Townsend: God has his own boundaries. While he loves us, he’s not like us, and does not choose like us: “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are my ways your ways (Isa. 55:8).” We’re to respect his boundaries and choices, and not demand that he order the universe the way we would prefer. God also respects our own boundaries. He allows us to disagree with him, as when Abraham negotiated with him over what it would take to spare Sodom and Gomorrah (Gen. 18:20-33). He also allows us to go our own way apart from him, if that’s what we want: “But if serving the Lord seems undesirable for you, then choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve (Josh. 24:15).” So we are to respect God’s boundaries, and he respects ours as well.

What is a favorite Bible passage of yours and why?

Dr. John Townsend: I love Proverbs 20:5: “The purposes of a person’s heart are deep waters, but one who has insight draws them out.” Inside our hearts, we have deep waters that dictate who we are, how we love, and how we choose. This includes our values, thoughts, emotions, passions, strengths, weaknesses, sins, and histories. If we access those deep waters and get to know them and grow them, we become mature, healthy, and productive. But we’re often too busy to access the waters, or avoid them because we’re afraid of what’s there, or because we may have learned from life experiences, to not feel who we are. We run the risk of becoming Marthas instead of Marys (Luke 10:38-42). God’s solution is to have people of insight in our lives who draw out our deep waters. The right kinds of individuals listen to us, attune to us, enter our worlds, and make it safe for us to experience the person inside whom he designed. People are God’s “crowbar” to help us break through our shells, and find ourselves.

What are your thoughts about Bible Gateway and the Bible Gateway App?

Dr. John Townsend: OK, now we’re talking about my own addiction, though I think it’s a healthy one! I’m so dependent on the Bible Gateway tools. Hardly a day goes by that I don’t use them. They’re designed in such a user-friendly way which makes it simple to find a passage, a phrase, or a commentary thought that I need about the Bible. Bible Gateway is my go-to place on all my devices: desktop, laptop, tablet, and phone.

Is there anything else you’d like to say?

Dr. John Townsend: Thanks for partnering with me on Bible Gateway, where the Bible comes alive for all of us, and we can grow spiritually, relationally, emotionally, and in our careers from understanding and acting on God’s truths: “In all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight (Prov. 3:6).” God bless you.

Bio: Dr. John Townsend is a leadership consultant, psychologist, and New York Times bestselling author. He has written 27 books, selling 10 million copies, including the 3 million-selling Boundaries series. John is founder of the Townsend Institute for Leadership and Counseling and conducts the Townsend Leadership program. He travels extensively for corporate consulting, speaking, and working with leadership families. He and his wife Barbi have two sons, and live in Newport Beach, California. One of John’s favorite hobbies is playing in a band that performs in Southern California lounges and venues.

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