This is the one-hundred-fifty-seventh lesson in author and pastor Mel Lawrenz’ How to Live the Bible series. If you know someone or a group who would like to follow along on this journey through Scripture, they can get more info and sign up to receive these essays via email here.

Most people want to believe that some good things can happen on the other side of loss. This is what we mean when we talk about finding purpose in suffering.

This is why Romans 8:28 is quoted so often: “We know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” The idea is that God is at work in all of our circumstances, in our gains and our losses. Good things can happen after the worst happens. I have no doubt that I became a leader as an adolescent because my father died when I was very young and I had to grow up fast. I’ve been rushed to the hospital two different times with serious injuries and learned so much about head injuries and ladders and wheelchairs—knowledge I could only have gained through the trials.

So we go through the seasons again and again. Many summers and many falls and winters and springs also. If we’re alert, we’ll get wiser. “Sadder, but wiser,” as the aphorism goes. But there’s that other saying of a less-desirable outcome: “older, but no wiser.” Better days are ahead, but we have to have our wits about us.

I’ve found the words about the seasons of life in Ecclesiastes to have new poignancy:

There is a time for everything,
    and a season for every activity under the heavens:
    a time to be born and a time to die,
    a time to plant and a time to uproot,
    a time to kill and a time to heal,
    a time to tear down and a time to build,
    a time to weep and a time to laugh,
    a time to mourn and a time to dance,
    a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
    a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
    a time to search and a time to give up,
    a time to keep and a time to throw away,
    a time to tear and a time to mend,
    a time to be silent and a time to speak,
    a time to love and a time to hate,
    a time for war and a time for peace. (Ecclesiastes 3:1-8)

And then there is this from Ecclesiastes 7:2-4:

It is better to go to a house of mourning
    than to go to a house of feasting,
for death is the destiny of everyone;
    the living should take this to heart.
Frustration is better than laughter,
    because a sad face is good for the heart.
The heart of the wise is in the house of mourning,
    but the heart of fools is in the house of pleasure.

This makes sense. When the worst happens, we go into “a house of mourning.” That’s where we live for a season. No one can say exactly how long that season is, but that’s okay because we know things will change, and we’ll move out of that house. It’s not our permanent address, though we’ll have some grief for years or perhaps the rest of our life. And if anyone scolds us for not “getting over it,” don’t listen to that person.

“A sad face is good for the heart.” It’s true. Not that sadness is a good thing, but when your heart is sad, it’s best for your face to be honest with your heart, thus keeping you honest with the people in your life. Our faces are our presentations of ourselves to the world of people around us. Our faces cry and whisper and shout; they plead and they query and they gift. Some people see the sad face of mourners and move in with compassion, suffering with the mourner. This is so right and so good. Others hope the mourner will smile, even if forced, because it’s uncomfortable being around a sad person. This is disrespectful and selfish.

The word of God on all this is that we should be honest about the real pain of significant loss, while trusting that God still loves us and holds us in his care. We will all enter seasons of grief. God allows us to live in that season and emerge at the time and in the way that’s right for each of us.

[Excerpt from A Chronicle of Grief: Finding Life After Traumatic Loss by Mel Lawrenz]
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Mel Lawrenz (@MelLawrenz) trains an international network of Christian leaders, ministry pioneers, and thought-leaders. He served as senior pastor of Elmbrook Church in Brookfield, Wisconsin, for ten years and now serves as Elmbrook’s teaching pastor. He has a PhD in the history of Christian thought and is on the adjunct faculty of Trinity International University. Mel’s many books include Spiritual Leadership Today: Having Deep Influence in Every Walk of Life (Zondervan, 2016). See more of Mel’s writing at WordWay.