Typically, when I say something to my wife Becky about feeling hurt, wanting more from her, or suggesting there is a better way to go about a project, her first response is defensive. For decades, my reaction was to fight against her, and we’d be off to the races.
I understand her defensiveness vastly more today than I did even a year ago. I know to expect it when I disrupt her, and I now endeavor to respond with compassion and to enter the groaning of God on her behalf and mine.
It is a profound shift from my natural reaction to her, one built on the foundation of Romans 8.
Paul’s Grand Promises in Romans 8
There is a grand entrance and exit to this chapter in Scripture. It begins with the stupefying statement that “there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus” (v. 1). Every fault, every failure, every form of darkness in our hearts melts before the presence of the one who is love.
The chapter ends with the proclamation that nothing can separate us from the love of God, whether it be death or life, angels or demons, or anything in creation (vv. 38–39). It speaks to our deepest fear of abandonment. We are not alone, nor will we ever be separated from God, even in our darkest failure, doubt, or anguish. We may abandon God, but the Trinity will never forsake us.
These grand promises hold the power to change our lives — but only if we engage with them. As silly as this metaphor is, these promises are like a gift card that sits in our sock drawer, pointless unless we draw from its potential. We have to participate in cashing in on the gift.
First, We Must Enter the Sufferings of Jesus
Romans 8:17 gives us a picture of what that entails: “If we are children, then we are heirs — heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory” (emphasis added).
We are called to enter the sufferings of Jesus. And we do so every time we enter the humiliation of Good Friday and the despair of Saturday on behalf of others.
Becky has known humiliation in the coldness of her mother, the violence of her father, the manipulation of boyfriends, the rape by a professor, and through my replication of several of her past emotional traumas. I enter the suffering of Jesus when I enter the stories of Becky’s past.
Beyond suffering her past, I also suffer the future on her behalf, as I long for her to experience what is wholly good and beautiful.
Groaning for Redemption
This mirrors Romans 8:22–23: “We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption to sonship, the redemption of our bodies” (emphasis added).
We are to groan with the earth, with each other, and with the Spirit as we await our complete adoption as God’s sons and daughters. As intensely as a woman suffers in childbirth, we are to suffer for the earth and for each other, as the Spirit within us groans with words too deep to hear (v. 26).
Most days, I don’t hear the groaning. I just live my life as if I am outside the keening. That is, until the Band-Aid of my distractions is ripped off, and I am face-to-face with death in any of its multifarious forms. Then, I groan. But I often fail to scan the horizon for redemption.
What Does It Look Like to Suffer Each Other’s Path to Redemption?
When I am suffering, I am not prone to wait, let alone wait eagerly. I want it changed now. Right now. And if not, then soon. Very soon. But I seldom have such eagerness when I suffer for another.
This is what we do naturally; it is not the “adopted by God” life available to us, as we read in Romans 8. That life involves the stunning promises of no condemnation or abandonment and the peculiar call to suffer with Jesus. To await eagerly our own adoption and our beloved’s adoption. To suffer each other’s long and arduous path for the redemption of our bodies. What does that look like?
We can consider a simple example of everyday marital friction. During a visit at our daughter’s house, Becky and I were disagreeing about when to leave. As she became defensive, I felt my anger rise. My habitual reaction would be to prioritize that anger and let it fly out at her.
But, in that moment, I made a concerted effort to let it go and, instead, tune into Becky’s emotions and enter her suffering. I imagined and felt the loss Becky would experience in missing a dear friend’s birthday party if we left later. I felt sorrow for her that most of her life she’d had to defend herself to survive. More than anything, I felt a deep, almost inexplicable desire for her heart to one day be free from having to defend herself.
Groaning for her enabled me to change my plans and facilitate an early departure without feeling pressured or irritated. This is, of course, an infinitesimally small example. If I had been more mature, this would not have been much of an issue.
Groan for Your — and Your Partner’s — Redemption
Anytime I anticipate Becky’s redemption, I am compelled to imagine my own, sparking desire for my own transformation. When I am forced to face my younger, angry parts, will I groan for them to be redeemed, or will I threaten them with condemnation or abandonment?
Will I feel the eager, intense desire to become more of who I will one day be, or will I justify and defend my current irritation and remain stagnant in it? These questions are our entry point for suffering our partners’ past and future. We also are called to suffer our partners’ dreams for earthly tastes of the coming redemption.
Adapted from The Deep-Rooted Marriage by Dan Allender and Steve Call.
What if you could experience a marriage that is not just good, but truly life-giving? Therapists Dan Allender and Steve Call show how deeper intimacy can bring more healing and delight.
With more than seventy years of therapeutic experience combined, Dan Allender and Steve Call demonstrate how God is inviting you and your partner to a wild faith journey with the hope of transformation.
Marriage is not about merely getting along or resolving conflict through compromise. It reveals who you are and invites you to who you can become. Marriage offers a space for you to experience what you are made for—honor and delight. And it is the ground from which redemption is meant to grow, where, together, you can reflect God’s image more and experience a taste of heaven.
Dr. Dan Allenderis a pioneer of a unique and innovative approach to trauma and abuse therapy. After receiving hismaster of divinityfrom Westminster Theological Seminary, Dan earned his Ph.D. in counseling psychology from Michigan State University. Dan previously served on faculty at the Biblical Counseling Department of Grace Theological Seminary (1983-1989) and Colorado Christian University (1989-1997). In 1997, Dan and a cadre of others founded the Seattle School of Theology & Psychology. Dan served as president of the Seattle School from 2002-2009. In 2011, The Allender Center was founded to cultivate healing and train leaders and mental health professionals to courageously engage others’ stories of harm. Dan continues to serve as professor of counseling psychology at the Seattle School.
