How cool would it be if there was a Control+F (Command-F if you’re Mac-fancy) function in life? Hear me out. If you could somehow look back over your life, hit Control+F, and “find” all the places where certain issues, patterns, and words come up. Think about how much faster that could make the process of figuring out why you do the things you do, why you say the things you say, why you feel the way you feel.
I got to have a Control+F experience, literally, while working on my last book, Becoming Free Indeed. It revealed something about my life with greater frequency and importance than I’d ever realized before. If you were to go into a digital copy of that book, which is about my journey of breaking free from the harmful beliefs and influence of the religious system I was raised in, and you were to search for the words people pleaser, your screen would light up like a Christmas tree. Even though people pleasing wasn’t what that book was about, there was no denying that both by the way I’m wired and from the environment around me, people pleasing has had a grip on me for a long time.
It makes sense now, but I have to tell you that it took me by surprise, realizing that people pleasing was a phantom heartbeat in my life. Someone recently asked me when I became truly aware that I was a people pleaser. After all, from the way I was raised to how I’m naturally wired, trying to keep everybody happy and on an even keel was simply part of my original operating system.
I didn’t know why managing my emotions, my stress, and my jitters felt so hard. I was doing everything I knew to avoid any kind of confrontation or failure. I was doing everything I knew to be the most “perfect” I could be. I also knew that I was miserable.
What I didn’t know was why.
People Pleasing at Its Core
As it turns out, a lot of different feelings come with pleasing people. For me, people pleasing has felt like dread and anxiety. But I can remember other times it felt like sadness or nerves. And I remember still other times I felt really proud that I had accomplished or said or done something in the way that another person wanted me to.
People pleasing feels a lot of different ways.
But people pleasing at its core is this: when we put everyone else’s preferences and opinions above our own or above what we know is true and right for the purpose of gaining acceptance and approval or to avoid criticism. It’s when we feel like someone else’s approval is critical to our survival and our understanding of our worth. It’s when we lose the ability to stand up for ourselves in order to keep someone else happy. It’s when we’d rather just go along than have that tough conversation or confront harmful behavior in someone else.
In a nutshell, people pleasing is when someone else’s approval, happiness, preference, or opinion comes before anything else in your world. And your whole world is built around accommodating those things for them in order to gain their approval, whether they’ve directly told you that’s what they expect or you’ve imagined it all on your own.
Doesn’t God Want Us to Prioritize Other People?
If you’re someone who was raised in church, you might think, Now wait a minute, Jinger. I thought God wanted us to put other people before ourselves. And you’re not wrong; Scripture does talk about not thinking more highly of ourselves than we should (Romans 12:3). Jesus does teach about going the extra mile for others (Matthew 5:41).
But here’s the difference. It’s all about motive — what you’re trying to get by people pleasing. Are you walking in humility? Are you walking in generosity for the right reasons? Or are you appeasing people around you because you want their approval and acceptance back? Seeking acceptance or seeking to avoid disapproval are the two big mile markers on the people-pleasing path. And both of those paths will get you twisted in knots eventually.
Avoid the Snare of Fear
While some verses talk about serving others well and caring for them, there are plenty of other places in Scripture that talk about not trying to please others. Proverbs 29:25 says, “The fear of man lays a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is safe” (ESV). It’s that word snare that really stands out to me. My people pleasing has always been about me trying not to get “snared” or “trapped” by someone’s upset or anger or disappointment. But in turning myself inside out in that effort, I was trapped in my own skin, mute to speak what I really thought or needed, caught between bars of the expectations of others and the ones I’d put on myself.
I also entered the trap of seeking approval. My understanding of my own worth was so wrapped up in someone telling me I was doing a good job or that I was so easy to be around. And when all you know of yourself is what someone else is telling you about yourself, it’s a cage like no other.
The Cost of People Pleasing
What has people pleasing cost you? Have you let yourself down, making a choice you wouldn’t have otherwise, were it not for the pressure you felt from others? I have. Have you put up with someone treating you in a way you wouldn’t let them get away with toward a friend? Maybe you have let the idea of possibly letting someone down consume you so much that you haven’t gone for a particular opportunity. Maybe you feel a pulse of people pleasing course through you when you know you should say something … but you don’t.
Feel like I’m reading your journal? It’s because I’ve been there, and on bad days, I still go there a little bit, the muscle memory of people pleasing leading me down some of the same familiar paths and feelings.
The Good News
But I’ve got good news for us. I’m learning that it is possible to get free from the web of it. It’s not easy. It takes staring down yourself and your motives and your behaviors with an honest eye. It requires honesty and courage and failing and trying again. It means you’ll have to let go of some patterns, definitions, and relationships that are keeping you tangled up.
And you don’t have to do it alone.
Adapted from People Pleaser: Breaking Free from the Burden of Imaginary Expectations by Jinger Duggar Vuolo.
Are you a people pleaser? Can you even begin to measure how the approval of others has shaped your heart and mind? Your faith and relationships? Your habits and identity? In People Pleaser, New York Times bestselling author Jinger Vuolo shares her personal journey of constantly seeking approval from others and how she found her true identity.
Through her faith and reliance on God, Jinger began to break free from the need for approval and discover true freedom. This book is a guide for anyone struggling with people-pleasing tendencies and seeking to find their true identity and purpose in life.