{"id":5669,"date":"2025-02-27T06:35:00","date_gmt":"2025-02-27T11:35:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.biblegateway.com\/learn\/?p=5669"},"modified":"2025-07-29T16:47:37","modified_gmt":"2025-07-29T20:47:37","slug":"romans-8-relationships","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.biblegateway.com\/learn\/voices\/romans-8-relationships\/","title":{"rendered":"Entering the Groaning of God: How Romans 8 Transforms Our Relationships"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

Typically, when I say something to my wife Becky about feeling hurt, wanting more from her, or suggesting there is a better way to go about a project, her first response is defensive. For decades, my reaction was to fight against her, and we\u2019d be off to the races. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I understand her defensiveness vastly more today than I did even a year ago. I know to expect it when I disrupt her, and I now endeavor to respond with compassion and to enter the groaning of God<\/em> on her behalf and mine. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

It is a profound shift from my natural reaction to her, one built on the foundation of Romans 8<\/a>.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Paul’s Grand Promises in Romans 8<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

There is a grand entrance and exit to this chapter in Scripture. It begins with the stupefying statement that \u201cthere is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus\u201d (v. 1<\/a>). Every fault, every failure, every form of darkness in our hearts melts before the presence of the one who is love.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The chapter ends with the proclamation that nothing can separate us from the love of God, whether it be death or life, angels or demons, or anything in creation (vv. 38\u201339<\/a>). It speaks to our deepest fear of abandonment. We are not alone, nor will we ever be separated from God, even in our darkest failure, doubt, or anguish. We may abandon God, but the Trinity will never forsake us.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n

These grand promises hold the power to change our lives \u2014 but only if we engage with them. As silly as this metaphor is, these promises are like a gift card that sits in our sock drawer, pointless unless we draw from its potential. We have to participate in cashing in on the gift.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n

First, We Must Enter the Sufferings of Jesus<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Romans 8:17<\/a> gives us a picture of what that entails: \u201cIf we are children, then we are heirs \u2014 heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings<\/em> in order that we may also share in his glory\u201d (emphasis added).\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n

We are called to enter the sufferings of Jesus. And we do so every time we enter the humiliation of Good Friday and the despair of Saturday on behalf of others. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Becky has known humiliation in the coldness of her mother, the violence of her father, the manipulation of boyfriends, the rape by a professor, and through my replication of several of her past emotional traumas. I enter the suffering of Jesus when I enter the stories of Becky\u2019s past. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Beyond suffering her past, I also suffer the future on her behalf, as I long for her to experience what is wholly good and beautiful.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Groaning for Redemption<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

This mirrors Romans 8:22\u201323<\/a>: \u201cWe know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption to sonship, the redemption of our bodies<\/em>\u201d (emphasis added).\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n

We are to groan with the earth, with each other, and with the Spirit as we await our complete adoption as God\u2019s sons and daughters. As intensely as a woman suffers in childbirth, we are to suffer for the earth and for each other, as the Spirit within us groans with words too deep to hear (v. 26<\/a>).\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Most days, I don\u2019t hear the groaning. I just live my life as if I am outside the keening. That is, until the Band-Aid of my distractions is ripped off, and I am face-to-face with death<\/a> in any of its multifarious forms. Then, I groan. But I often fail to scan the horizon for redemption.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n

What Does It Look Like to Suffer Each Other’s Path to Redemption?<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

When I am suffering, I am not prone to wait, let alone wait eagerly. I want it changed now. Right now.<\/em> And if not, then soon. Very soon.<\/em> But I seldom have such eagerness when I suffer for another. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

This is what we do naturally; it is not the \u201cadopted by God\u201d life available to us, as we read in Romans 8. That life involves the stunning promises of no condemnation or abandonment and the peculiar call to suffer with Jesus. To await eagerly our own adoption and our beloved\u2019s adoption. To suffer each other\u2019s long and arduous path for the redemption of our bodies. What does that look like? <\/p>\n\n\n\n

We can consider a simple example of everyday marital friction. During a visit at our daughter\u2019s house, Becky and I were disagreeing about when to leave. As she became defensive, I felt my anger rise. My habitual reaction would be to prioritize that anger and let it fly out at her. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

But, in that moment, I made a concerted effort to let it go and, instead, tune into Becky\u2019s emotions and enter her suffering. I imagined and felt the loss Becky would experience in missing a dear friend\u2019s birthday party if we left later. I felt sorrow for her that most of her life she\u2019d had to defend herself to survive. More than anything, I felt a deep, almost inexplicable desire for her heart to one day be free from having to defend herself. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Groaning for her enabled me to change my plans and facilitate an early departure without feeling pressured or irritated. This is, of course, an infinitesimally small example. If I had been more mature, this would not have been much of an issue.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Groan for Your \u2014 and Your Partner’s \u2014 Redemption<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Anytime I anticipate Becky\u2019s redemption, I am compelled to imagine my own, sparking desire for my own transformation. When I am forced to face my younger, angry parts, will I groan for them to be redeemed, or will I threaten them with condemnation or abandonment? <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Will I feel the eager, intense desire to become more of who I will one day be, or will I justify and defend my current irritation and remain stagnant in it? These questions are our entry point for suffering our partners\u2019 past and future. We also are called to suffer our partners\u2019 dreams for earthly tastes of the coming redemption. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n\n\n
\n
\"Cover<\/a><\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n

Adapted from The Deep-Rooted Marriage<\/em><\/a> by Dan Allender and Steve Call.\u00a0\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n

What if you could experience a marriage that is not just good, but truly life-giving? Therapists Dan Allender and Steve Call show how deeper intimacy can bring more healing and delight.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

With more than seventy years of therapeutic experience combined, Dan Allender and Steve Call demonstrate how God is inviting you and your partner to a wild faith journey with the hope of transformation.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Marriage is not about merely getting along or resolving conflict through compromise. It reveals who you are and invites you to who you can become. Marriage offers a space for you to experience what you are made for\u2014honor and delight. And it is the ground from which redemption is meant to grow, where, together, you can reflect God’s image more and experience a taste of heaven. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Paul promises that we will not be separated from the love of God. But while we wait, we groan inwardly for redemption \u2014 ours, and our partner’s.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":5674,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[461,456,471,464,31],"tags":[71,357,192,261,262,150,70],"yoast_head":"\nEntering the Groaning of God: How Romans 8 Transforms Our Relationships | Bible Gateway News & Knowledge<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Paul promises that we will not be separated from the love of God. 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He holds a Master of Theological Studies in Early Christian Thought from Harvard Divinity School, and a Bachelor of Arts in Religious History from Memorial University of Newfoundland, though with most of his coursework from the University of Hawai'i at Manoa. His work has previously appeared in Ekstasis and Geez Magazine. 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